I was born to be narcissistic pessimist. It came to a point when I questioned my parents why I confront people differently and why do I keep looking at their mistakes. And why do I give myself so much importance? Neither any of them answered me directly. Few shrugs, “Maybe, it’s how you are created.” I didn’t accept their reason because I sense I wasn’t normal. When encountering problems I usually get annoyed easily to people around me. I easily lose temper because I hate waiting but I’m usually late. I had quarreled to some of my friends and regret doing the act.
There was this time I shouted to our nanny. I told her she has bad attitude that’s why her neighbors fight with her and say something really mean behind her back. And you know what? I was the first one to cry instead of her. She actually blabber unpleasant stuff I did which particularly involves my parents. Once, a dear friend of mine became mad at me for ignoring her. Well, that was an exception! I was pissed off to her for being so moody that I feel she wants me to endear her every time I wouldn’t fulfill what she wants.
It hurts hearing others telling how your personality stinks. I try not to be too forward, altering my interaction; I seek for friends’ counsel because I’m thinking I was undergoing to a psychological problem or mental deficiencies. I had an initial assessment to the company I applied. One of their exams includes a Bach measurement test where I have to complete a sentence based on what occurs first in my mind. It was easy since I let ideas and memories flow in order to beat the time frame given. I was interviewed after and the HR assistant asked my answer, “backstabbing a friend because she wouldn’t lend me her doll” to the sentence, “My worst memory is….” I explained my side and you know what? I messed up. Inasmuch as I want to cover the hideous riposte, I told her the truth of me being so impatient to a person like the one I backstabbed with. I added, “It was 11 years ago, though.” Yes, exactly! It was a long time but I can still remember which a bad idea is because I’m looking for a career to save my life; but here I am, tripping myself into my own ploy. And I kissed the job goodbye.
What an ultimate jerk I was. I have no common sense that I wasn’t able to think that the test was a trick to further recognize my hidden personality and some factors related to work ethics. The problem, I knew it all along: Attitude. The solution? I’m completely clueless. I wanted to break the barriers hindering me to confront my personal demons. I researched about a pilgrimage, some sort of voyage in Brazil and the reviews were positive. He found what he’s been looking for. Yet, I may want to absorb such piece; the thought of leaving my country to find myself to unknown place may not work for me. This is not Eat. Pray. Love.
One time, I opened a book titled “Purpose Driven Life.” At the back of the cover says, “This is your answer to every life’s ultimate questions”. So, I browsed its contents and started reading the first chapter without missing any pages. The verses written were quite deep and I don’t know if I should take it literally. For better understanding, I read the full meaning of it from the bible. Apart from what people say about how I should change my attitude, I got the best version of eliminating my weaknesses in a book stocked in my cabinet.
Attitude, as I discovered, is a life-long process to develop. It is not an overnight impasse a person can pray to God, and then by next day he’s unconditionally different human being walking on his way to office with a halo on his head. PDL has helped me confront my ruthless side. First, do not always listen to what others say about me. Instead, focus my eyes to the promises of the Lord. Not anyone can relate to what I am saying since each of us believes something, either entity or not. What made me trust to the explanations of Rick Warren (author of the book) is the truest conviction on words with the relation of stories happened in reality. Second, offer my disabilities to HIM. No efforts could comfort my inner struggles on trying to become better person I wanted me to be. It is only by faith and redemption that I can truly amend my assertiveness.
What happens after finishing the pages? Did people around me agree I never look better? Did my friend praise me for harnessing noble personality that permits their ideals? No, nothing much has changed. I’m still dealing with the attitude I know only God can deteriorate.